


You Break it, You Bought it

by AnonEhouse



Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon Divergence - Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie), Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Not Thor friendly, Team Tony, Temporary Character Death, tony is worthy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-27
Updated: 2017-10-13
Packaged: 2019-01-06 04:13:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12203655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonEhouse/pseuds/AnonEhouse
Summary: Human necks are more fragile than Asgardian's.Tony got lucky when Loki picked him up by the neck.But Thor is stronger than Loki...





	1. Chapter 1

(If you are reading this on any PAY site this is a STOLEN WORK, the author has NOT Given Permission for it to be here. If you're paying to read it, you're being cheated too because you can read it on Archiveofourown for FREE.)

 

 

 

"This isn't strategy, this is... rage," Bruce said.

Thor stormed in and picked Tony up by his neck.

Futilely trying to free himself, Tony said to Thor, "Come on. Use your words, buddy."

Thor snarled, "I have more than enough words to describe you, Stark." And then he tightened his grip and shook Tony.

Hard.

There was a snap. 

Tony's arms fell limp and his eyes went blank.

"What is this trickery, Stark?" Thor growled and shook him more. "Do not think to appease my righteous anger by this pretense." He opened his hand and Tony fell to the floor in a jumble of limbs. Thor looked down at him, a puzzled frown forming on his face.

Dr. Cho glanced up at Thor, and then darted in to touch Tony's throat. After a moment, she reached up to close his eyes. Rhodey made a choked noise, deep in his throat. Dr. Cho said, "He's dead."

"What? That's impossible," Thor protested. "I did no more than... than scruff him, as Loki and I were wont to do in play."

Bruce growled, a deep, green animal sound. "You killed Tony."

"Wait, wait," Steve said. "It was... it was an accident. Bruce, we can't fight each other."

Natasha pulled at Bruce's arm, but it was already too big for her to hold. Hulk tore off his shredded clothes and lunged for Thor. Thor stretched out his hand for Mjolnir, which he had dropped to pick up Tony, but Hulk was on him before he could get it.

"Well, fuck," Clint said, and wisely side-stepped as the two behemoths met.

Rhodey ran to Tony, and pulled him and Dr. Cho out of the way. Rhodey was crying. Dr. Cho was white faced and trembling. "I thought... I admired Thor," she said. "I thought he was a hero." She started crying.

Steve got into the fight, and was backhanded by Hulk. Clint and Natasha dragged him to safety. Hulk was angrier than they'd ever seen him. Thor wasn't wearing his usual fighting smirk, either, as he was desperately trying to keep Hulk's hands from his throat.

"Tony was the real hero," Rhodey said, "God, I'm so sorry, Tony. I thought you had a team. I thought they had your back."

Mjolnir trembled, and lifted from the floor. It flew to Tony's outstretched hand. Lightning filled the room. Tony sat up, holding tightly onto Mjolnir. He was dressed in Asgardian armor, all red and gold, with a flowing cape that glittered. He looked around, wild-eyed. He blinked. 

Thor was dangling from Hulk's hand, holding on to Hulk's wrist, and kicking feebly. His armor was gone and he was wearing faded jeans and a well worn plaid shirt. Even his hair looked dull. Hulk dropped Thor, who slumped, coughing.

Tony looked down at the hammer in his hand. "Well. What do you know about that?" He grinned. "I am fucking worthy."


	2. Chapter 2

"So, how did it go?" Tony asked Thor. He'd used Mjolnir to send Thor to Asgard because there was only so much of the sad Saint Bernard puppy moping he could take before he cracked. If Odin wanted the family heirloom back, it wasn't worth starting a war over. That is, so long as Tony didn't have to _die_.

He really, really liked Mjolnir, but you know. War. War is a bad thing, as Forrest Gump would say.

Thor trudged into the workshop and looked soulfully at Mjolnir, who was tapping happily along to AC/DC. Apparently it liked hard rock, not really a surprise there. Thor sighed and sat down where he could look at the hammer. "All-father Odin called me a mewling quim. He said that Mjolnir had made its choice..."

"Her choice," Tony corrected. He patted Mjolnir on the head. "Uru metal is alive, you know that."

Thor frowned. "It is?"

"Uh huh. Didn't you ever talk to her?"

"Talking to one's tools is unnatural!" Thor said, with some of his usual spirit. 

DUM-E rolled over Thor's foot and waved his favorite fire extinguisher, threatening. Thor yelped. "I meant no disrespect!"

Tony stroked Mjolnir. "So, dad said no take-backs."

Thor nodded glumly. "I then asked if he would let me have another of Asgard's weapons. An axe or spear, or even a dagger. But no. He said the armory was reserved for true-hearted warriors." Thor sniffled. Then he looked slyly at the row of Iron Man suits. "Perhaps, friend Tony..."

"Uh huh, nope, sorry, FAA regulations require you to be a fully qualified jet pilot before taking the controls of one of these babies."

Thor's brows tightened and his lower lip protruded. Thor might not be able to bring the thunder any more, but he certainly could make it rain.

"You know what, you need a change of pace, Thor. I just thought of the perfect fit for you, bare-hands fighting, all you want to drink, and a party all the time!"

Thor perked up. "I like the sound of that. It is much like Valhalla."

"Only without the dying." Tony grinned. "Jarvis! Buy me a bar!"

"Only one?" Jarvis said, with a world-weary air. 

"Yes! But make it a big one in a rough neighborhood. And... name it Valhalla!" Tony picked up a jug of scotch. A lot of perks came with Mjolnir including All-Speak, and an unbelievable capacity for booze. He poured Thor a good shot, and then upended the jug over one arm to enjoy a healthy gurgle himself.

Mjolnir wriggled.

"And one for the lady." Tony poured scotch over the hammer, and watched it being absorbed. 

Mjolnir burped a little lightning.

Thor sighed and drank his scotch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (There wasn't going to be any other ficcing until I finished Peachy Keen, but when I was weeding this came to me. So here, have a bonus chapter.)
> 
> Also, hell YES, Jarvis is alive. *hugs Jarvis*


	3. Chapter 3

"HOLY SHIT! My flip-phone just turned into a Stark Smart Phone!" 

The reporters gathered around Tony, holding out various bits of electronics, with hopeful looks on their faces. 

 

"Wow," Pepper said after Tony finally managed to break away from the crowd to return to the penthouse, where his proximity upgraded her stereo to concert auditorium standard. "Mjolnir is amazing."

"Yep," Tony agreed. He hung Mjolnir from his belt, and danced with Pepper to the music and didn't bother to tell her that he'd always been able to do that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (In the Iron Man 3 trailer, they combined two takes where Tony was emoting and then destroyed a reporter's cell phone. In one take, it was a cheap flip phone. In the other it was a smart phone. Oops, continuity! So it's CANONICAL Tony has the power to upgrade tech by his mere presence.)
> 
> Couldn't resist adding this even though it's too tiny to be worth an update. I was afraid I'd forget it.


End file.
